Luke Maverick's Home Birth Story

I was having pretty strong contractions for at least a week, so when I woke up with contractions on Wednesday morning at 2:30, I didn't think much of it. I tried to go back to sleep for about an hour, thinking it was another false alarm, but when I realized I wasn't going to be able to sleep I brought my kindle up to the couch and started using a contraction tracking app. They were consistently 8-10 minutes apart and a minute long. The fact that they had a consistent pattern told me that it wasn't a false alarm and that I would probably get to hold my baby boy soon.
When Adam woke up around 7 in the morning I told him that I thought we might be having a baby that day. He was thrilled!  When Liliana woke up we had to share the news with her because every 10 minutes I would stop playing and talking and focus on breathing through the contractions. I quickly realized that she was not going to be the "silent observer" type of child that would be able to stay around for my entire labor like I had hoped. When I would have a contraction and need to focus she would either rub my back and get in my face to check that I was feeling okay or she would have a melt down about the fact that I couldn't play with her or help her with something. Adam left to take Liliana to school at 9 and while he was gone I lost my mucus plug and had bloody show. My contractions felt strong (stronger than I had ever felt with my Braxton Hicks, yet I didn't have much to compare them to), and when I would go to the bathroom they were very intense. When Adam got home from taking Liliana to school I told him about the developments while he was gone and we contacted my parents, our midwife Lindsey and our doula Dawn. I told everyone that I was pretty sure I was going to have our baby that day, but that my labor was still really mellow, so just to be on call. Little did I know that it would be a whole day later until I had our baby boy in my arms...
Because of my many false alarms in the weeks leading up to my labor, I told my parents not to get on a flight and to wait until I was in more advanced stages of labor to head south. I am glad that they didn't take my advice. They jumped on the next available flight and booked a room for themselves and Liliana at the nearby Marriott in Dana Point. Adam left to pick them up at the airport at noon and I took my time getting ready and blow drying my hair, thinking to myself that I may not have time to do this very often once our baby arrived. It was nice to have the time to myself to reflect on my pregnancy and think about how ready Adam, Liliana and I were to welcome this little being into our lives. I was getting really excited and alternating between listening to my hypnobirthing CD and my birth mix while I envisioned what my birth would be like.
When my parents got to our house we all went out to lunch at Nick's in San Clemente. The waitress congratulated me on my pregnancy and asked when I was due. My mom laughed and told her that I was in labor. At this point, I was still able to talk and totally relax in between the contractions that were 8 minutes apart, but when a contraction would come, I would have to focus and be quiet and I was starting to wish that people around me would be quiet too. When I had to go to the bathroom at the restaurant (which I dreaded doing during my entire labor because of how intense it made the contractions) I made my mom come with me and moaned through it. There was no question in my mind at this point that I was having our baby and this wasn't false labor.
After lunch we stopped at the flower shop at the beach to get flowers for the house and my bathroom and bedroom where I knew I would be spending a lot of time that night. I was holding on to Adam at this point through the contractions and was getting anxious to get home because things were feeling more intense. Everything was still very manageable, but I wanted to be somewhere where I could "let go" more and felt safe.
When we got home Adam and my Dad went to pick up Liliana from school and went to Whole Foods to stock the fridge with stuff for dinner and snacks for the night, though I couldn't bring myself to eat anything after lunch. Then my parents took Liliana to the hotel for a swim and nap. During this time, between 1:30 and 7 pm, I worked through my contractions on the exercise ball in the living room while Adam watched TV and I read my book club book, Gone Girl between contractions. My contractions were about 4 or 5 minutes apart at this point. Each time a contraction would roll over me I would tell Adam to mute the television and I would throw my kindle on the floor beside me because I felt the need to focus even more. I knew for sure at this point that I didn't want Liliana here while I was laboring all night, but I asked my parents to come back to the house with her so that I could tell her I loved her and give her the last kiss before she became a big sister. Adam questioned this because I was laboring actively at this point but I was adamant about seeing her and making sure she knew how much I loved her before she had to share me with someone else. She and I had talked a lot about her being at my birth and we watched videos together to prepare her for the birth, so I wanted her to know that plans had changed. Once she got there, she was very sweet and would rub my back whenever I had a contraction. She also talked to my belly and said, "it is safe to come out brother! We are all excited to meet you!"
We called Dawn shortly after they left and she arrived around 8:30. I was so happy to see her and it made everything seem real. I was really going to have my baby at home!!! She suggested that I stopped leaning over the ball the way I had been laboring because it wasn't very productive and may only irritate my uterus. She set me up in a cozy spot on the couch in a seated position. The position that Dawn had me in where I was sitting in a leaning position at a 45 degree angle, proved to be the most effective for me and I came back to that position many times that night to get my labor going harder and/or to be more productive with my contractions. She turned on relaxing music and used aromatherapy and dimmed the lights in our house. Everything felt so safe and cozy and although I was working pretty hard and having a hard time chatting, I felt so grateful to be laboring in my beautiful home that my husband built with the help of my father.
About an hour after Dawn arrived she sent Adam downstairs to our bedroom to set up the tub and get the bed ready for the birth. At this point I felt like I was working really hard and though I was able to talk between the contractions, I felt like I was in a dreamy state. I found myself wanting to move through the contractions to make them less intense. If there was ever a doubt leading up to this point about whether or not I was in "ACTIVE LABOR", I was sure of it now. I needed to hold someone's hand or wrap my arms around their neck each time a contraction came over me. They were too much for me to handle alone. Nevertheless, I was prepared for this hard work and I embraced it with everything that I am because I knew that I was working hard to bring my baby closer to me.
When I stood up from the couch I remember having an extremely painful contraction that took me by surprise and overwhelmed me. Despite my focus on staying relaxed (is that an oxymoron?) I yelled out in pain and Dawn told me that each time a woman moves positions, the first contraction or two in that new position can be really hard to handle. She told me to just get through those however I needed to and then I could start working through them and focusing on moving my energy downwards once they felt manageable again. This was really good advice for me in labor and kept me from shying away from moving places and positions to find the most effective way for me to do my work. I make it a point to record that here, because it really helped me during my birth and had I not known this I would not have been able to do what I needed to that night.
After getting up from the couch I had to hold on to Adam and Dawn's neck and sway to get through it. I really started to moan through each contraction at this point. I looked downstairs while laboring in the living room and saw my bed and wanted nothing more than to be in the spot where I had envisioned my son being born. I told them I wanted to go downstairs and they helped me through the contractions as we moved slowly down the few stairs that made my room seem so far away. I labored for a bit in my bed in the seated position that Dawn found for me and then started throwing up around midnight.  I hate throwing up (I don't think anyone likes it, but I truly avoid it at all costs) so this was not easy to deal with, but I reminded myself that vomiting during labor is productive and helps bring the baby closer, so I went with it. At this point the contractions were coming so hard and close together that things were getting blurry. I could answer direct questions, but was so focused on my job that the conversation between Dawn and Adam (though it involved me) seemed like it was playing on a distant television screen.
Dawn was so instrumental during my birth. She was the best coach and one of the main pointers she gave me was to focus the intense energy of each contraction "down" and to not "run away" from the intensity of them. She was also the most amazing friend during the parts that I felt like running, as she held me close and cooed words of encouragement to keep me grounded. I heard her say that she thought maybe she had waited too long to call Lindsey because she thought the baby was coming so soon...I remember feeling overjoyed to hear that and thinking, "wow...that wasn't so hard!" Little did I know that I was still about 10 hours away from having my baby boy. Dawn told me at this point that I could get in the birthing tub because I was in such advanced labor that she was sure it wouldn't slow it down too much.
The water felt SOOO good and instantly I became relaxed--too relaxed. Lindsey also showed up around this time. My contractions slowed way down. The water and Lindsey coming over made my contractions that were 2 minutes apart go back to 10 minutes apart. I realized that I wasn't being very productive in the tub and asked what I could do to help move things along. Dawn suggested that I get out of the tub and get back into a sitting position leaning back which seemed to be the most productive laboring position for me thus far. At that point things get pretty blurry for me.
When I got out of the tub my contractions picked right back up again and were crashing over me hard and fast. My moaning became way more primal. My moans were deep and long and had a singing sound at the end of them. I could feel the vibrations of the moan resonate through my uterus. The sounds would numb the contraction and take over my body and I wouldn't have been able to tolerate the contraction without the sound. The two went together hand in hand.
Adam was very present for me and I wouldn't let him leave the room or my side. Earlier in the night he would occasionally leave me to get more electrolyte water for me to drink, to refresh the warm water for my birthing tub, or stretch in the hallway, but at this point I felt like he was my life-line and I couldn't let him leave my side. At one point I told Dawn and Lindsey to leave my bedroom entirely because I just wanted to labor with Adam alone. I was in the tub again and I was getting tired. I felt the need for ultimate quiet, peace, and safety and being alone with Adam in our bedroom was the only way I could achieve this. I remember holding his hand and looking in his eyes and telling him that I could never do this without him, or in a hospital setting. Regardless of the intensity of the work that I was doing to deliver our baby boy, I was grateful for him and the fact that I was in my own home.
I had been laboring for about 13 hours at this point. I was starting to get overwhelmed with exhaustion and emotion. Fear was also starting to creep in. Dawn saw doubt in my eyes and asked me what I was afraid of. I instantly and confidently responded that the only fear I had was that it would last 5 more hours. I accepted that labor and birth was going to be hard work, but I wasn't prepared to accept that it might last DAYS. I was starting to scan the room for clocks and mentally map my journey and progress and stress about the work that I had left to do.
When Dawn and I first met three years prior and talked for hours at a Thai food restaurant in Encinitas about Liliana's birth that never was, we both agreed that the greatest struggle for me would be to, "get out of my head." In other words, I had to stop checking the clock, stop planning, stop stressing...and ultimately...LET GO.
Dawn kept reminding me of this while I labored, again, back in the tub. I wholeheartedly focused all of my energy on any advice that Dawn gave me. She was my coach and Adam was my cheerleader. I relied on their touch and words and Lindsey's comforting medical presence that assured me that my baby and I were healthy to continue laboring together until we met.
This was the most intense part of my journey. Amazingly, during the breaks between my contractions (which were only a minute or two long) I would somehow fall asleep and even snore with my head against the birth tub. I really felt like I was in and out of consciousness and in a dreamy state. I threw up again a few times in the tub. All I remember during these hours were Adam. On the rare occasion that he would let go of my hand, I would get nervous and keep the blur of his yellow shirt in my peripheral vision. I would warn him when another surge was about to rock my body by saying in a quiet voice, "don't leave me baby...here we go again...". Even though they were only a minute apart, he found time to sprint to take care of another detail for me, and rush back to my side to hold me again. He was my rock.
My contractions were getting "pushy" and at the end of each moan and surge I would push and grunt. I was feeling like I wanted this to end and started toying with the idea of having Lindsey check my cervix--something that I always swore I would NEVER do either in pregnancy or labor because the results can be so misleading, discouraging, and really means nothing regarding how much longer your labor would be. I talked to Adam, Dawn and Lindsey about it and decided that they wouldn't give me any specifics on how dilated or effaced I was, but that they would tell me if there was anything helpful that I should know. It was 5 in the morning at this point and I completely expected Lindsey to say that I was almost ready to push. After all, I had been in very active labor for 9 hours and had been feeling like pushing for an hour. When she checked me and smiled and said, "you're doing good," I could tell that I wasn't as close as I anticipated. What I didn't know is that I still had over 5 hours to go of the hardest work I have ever done in my life.
At this point the lights in my bedroom were off and Lindsey, Dawn and Adam were taking turns resting on our bedroom floor in between me literally leaning on them for support during my intense surges. This dance coupled with my primal moans went on for another couple hours. Adam has to remind me of the details, especially regarding time, because to me, this seemed like a flash in the pan. At a certain point I realized how tired I was again and asked Lindsey to check my progress. She said that my cervix was soft like jelly, but that there was still a cervical lip left that I had to work through. She also told me that my water bag hadn't ruptured and that might be contributing to the fact that I wasn't fully dilated. I asked her how this could be and she said that it was because of a extremely healthy diet. I gave her the look of death--she was the one who coached me to eat and consume supplements the way I did. She said to try to stop pushing even though I was feeling the urge. She phrased it all as positively as she could, but I was expecting her to say I was almost ready to have my baby so I started to feel overwhelmed and defeated. My eyes immediately went to the clock in the room and the fact that we were well into Friday morning started to freak me out. Adam saw the look in my face and quickly covered all of the clocks. I knew I had a lot of work left to do and that the tub tended to relax me, so as hard as it was, I made the decision to get out of the water and try laboring harder in my bed.
After a while Lindsey checked me again. She explained to me that she and Dawn were pretty sure my baby was coming down at a funky angle because my water hadn't broken and the cervical lip over the side of my baby's head was pretty big on one side. She had me feel my bulging water bag. At this point the contractions were intense and I was feeling desperate. I begged her to break my water because I thought that would be the magic ticket and get me closer to finishing this journey and having my baby. She refused, but when she was checking me during one of my contractions my water broke.
After that I was able to reach inside of myself and feel the cervical lip that covered 2/3 of my son's head. It was surreal to feel my baby boy's head but beyond discouraging to feel a lip of muscle that kept me from meeting him. I asked Dawn what I could do to help move it and her response was, "honey...you're not going to like it." I told her I would do anything. In my head, once the water broke, the head pushed on the cervix and the baby came...that was the natural progression of things, and anything (including some pesky cervical lip) that interfered with that needed to be reckoned with. She advised me to get out of bed and start climbing my stairs while skipping a stair at a time. I was completely naked, tired, vulnerable, and handling a contraction every minute apart. I gripped the handrail with every contraction and relied on Adam hugging me from behind to get me thorough it. After a couple laps of our stairs Dawn suggested that I do lunges on my stairs on the side that wouldn't dilate. It was at this point that I questioned whether or not I had made the right decision with a home birth. I told her I needed to rest and asked that they leave Adam and I alone again and let me get into my birthing tub.
This was the gnarliest part of my experience. It probably only lasted a couple hours, but it felt like days. I was pushing, but trying not to--merely impossible. I felt like I was using all of my energy to run as fast as I could but I wasn't getting anywhere. Lindsey came back down to our bedroom after a while and said that she and Dawn had a back up plan to change Maverick's position so that I could fully dilate and continue with my birth, but that she wanted to check me. I looked at her somberly and told her not to bother. I had taken the liberty of checking myself since she left me. With each contraction I reached inside and felt my progress and with each contraction I wanted to scream (but I had no energy) because I could feel my baby boy's soft, hairy head and could feel the strong, thick cervix deterring my progress.
I have to look to Adam for details about our birth from this point on...all I remember is sweat and tears. I can remember vivid details of songs and emotions, but I have no recollection of time or how Maverick and I were progressing. I was thoroughly exhausted and started questioning aloud throwing in the towel. However, Adam reminds me that I never asked to quit. He said that I was strong through it all. I did, however, look deep into Dawn, Adam and Lindsey's eyes and ask..."when does it become too much? When is it time to throw in the towel and quit?" I was shaky and scared and didn't know if I could go any longer. Dawn calmly asked me what my alternative was. I quietly said, "well I am not getting in the f'n car, so I guess we have to finish this here." She smiled and agreed...We would have to finish this story that I started years ago, here in my bedroom with the birth of Maverick amongst people that I trusted and loved.
At another point in my birth Dawn and Lindsey were encouraging me with, "Tracy, you are strong...you can DO THIS!" I quickly opened my eyes and snapped, "I KNOW I CAN DO THIS! I HAVE TO..."
I was still in my labor tub and looking for progress and answers. When I told Lindsey that nothing had changed regarding my cervix, I begged her to do something about it. "Can't you massage it?? Cut it?? Pull it to the side?? I am not sure there is anything else I can do," I told her. She said she would check me again and see if she could help. The contractions were rough and intense and to add someone's hand inside of me to the equation was excrutiating. If there was a point I really wanted to quit, it was here. I cried and grabbed Lindsey's hand and begged her to stop. She grabbed my hand back, held it, and locked her eyes on mine and told me, "DON'T F'N MOVE MY HAND...I THINK I HAVE IT. ON THE NEXT SURGE, YOU BETTER PUSH WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE." I quickly let go and forced myself to relax. It worked!!!!! She told me that she managed to pull my cervix back behind my baby's head, but that until our baby got past that lip, she couldn't take her hands out. After what seemed like an eternity of pushing with all of my might (but was probably an hour) she told me that I had made it past the cervical lip and could finish the job. She told me that I was very close to meeting our baby and encouraged me to reach down and connect with him. I held my bare belly and looked down and started bawling. Everything around me seemed to freeze as I told him how long I had waited for him and how this birth was just the beginning of me showing him that I would do anything to make sure he had the healthiest, happiest life possible. I told him I was ready to be his mommy, I thanked him for letting me be his mommy, and for giving me the birth that I literally DREAMED about. I told him that I loved him and that I always would. There wasn't a dry eye in the room.
Right around this point Dawn said that she could no longer tolerate how strongly I was pulling on her arms through each surge and asked that Adam get into the tub to help me through it. Without hesitation, he jumped in and held me from behind.
People have asked me how hard pushing was and how much it hurt to have Lindsey's hands inside of me to coach Maverick out. I definitely recall an intense burning and I have never tried for ANYTHING so hard in my life, but at the same time...pushing was the easy part. I had control over pushing and knew that I was being productive. Compared to the hours before, I was on a mission and I knew I was going to rock it. I closed my eyes, pushed harder that I ever imagined, and blew bubbles into my disgusting birthing water. It took just under 2 hours to push my angel out. The whole time I had my hand inside of myself checking my progress and feeling his furry little blonde head. I remember when his head made it out and I reached up and gently inspected his little features under water in between surges and pushes...so surreal. On my final push I grabbed him and pulled his slippery body onto my chest.
I felt broken, whole, accomplished and vulnerable. I felt powerful and exhausted. I DID IT!! Adam and I held him for a few minutes and rejoiced in the glory of the new life we created. After a bit Lindsey asked me if I wanted to stay in the tub with him a bit longer or if I wanted to get in my bed. After 10+ hours in that tub, I was ready to get out.  I had been looking at my bed for the past 24 hours and dreaming about the moment I could lay in it with my newborn, so I asked them to help me into it. Adam took this opportunity to jump in the shower--while he never showed it, I think the birth tub freaked him out. :)
They kept Maverick attached to me with his umbilical cord for about an hour. After I birthed the placenta, they moved it to a plastic bag and still kept him attached until his cord completely stopped pulsing which was about another hour. My parents came over with Liliana within 10 minutes of Maverick being born and Liliana hugged and kissed him and was so excited to meet her little brother.
After lots of hugs, kisses and congratulations, my dad headed upstairs to make a wonderful breakfast and pour champagne. We all ate and tried to regain our strength and Lindsey, Dawn and Courtney (another midwife that works with Lindsey who came at the very end of my labor) checked on me and Maverick.
They all said that he was a big boy right when he came out, but he looked so tiny to me. He was born on July 27, 2012 at 10:32a.m. weighed 9.4 lbs, was 21 inches, and his head was 1 3/4 inches larger than an average baby's head. In addition, he came out with a nuchal hand and foot which attributed to him coming down at a sideways angle. He was a lot of work, but worth every ounce of energy.
I spoke to my cousin Nicole within a day of his birth and she made a point of asking if I would do a natural, home birth again after what I just went through. She wanted to ask me while the memories and feelings were raw. I had thought about this off and on during my labor and knew that I was happy I didn't have to make that decision because my family was complete. It was way too hard for me to say at that time that I would welcome the challenge again. It's funny how time softens those jagged edges. I am writing my birth story only one month after Luke Maverick Morrison's birth and I already feel like I could and would do it again, hypothetically speaking of course. I climbed my Mt. Everest. I am so grateful for my baby, my husband, the intense experience, and my AMAZING birth team.